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The Fatherhood Crisis: At Home & in the Church

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When it comes to fatherhood, I’m a bit of a mess.

Despite all the opportunities seven children provide, I’ve realized I’m not very good at it. Despite the feelings of paternal affection I have for my amazing children, I struggle immensely in my attempts to understand, on a practical level, what they truly require from me. I look at my four boys, and I know that they need someone to teach them how to be a man, but I often find myself feeling that I can’t give what I don’t have. I’ve spent most of my own adult life trying to figure out how to be a man, and my progress is painfully slow. The problem is no less urgent with my three girls. They need me to be the model, the archetype, the subconscious force who helps them to recognize what they are looking for in their own husbands. To be the kind of man with the kind of attributes I would be happy to see them marry. To help them to form a healthy relationship with their Heavenly Father.

To be honest, I know I’m not that guy. Not yet.

Yes, I love God. I love my wife and my children. I want what’s best for them. I’d give my life for them if a threat arose — I have no question about that — but it’s the day-to-day sacrifices and example that I somehow fail to give.

My temper is quick and harsh. I’m impatient and, frankly, selfish. My natural tendency is to work first (and most often) and fit family in later. I’m good with babies and older children, but I struggle to know what to do with those in-between, at a time when they most need it. I tend to shirk participation in domestic tasks because I make myself too busy with the contemplation of abstract ideas, creative endeavors, or intellectual pursuits. I’m always thinking about the next article, pondering the next project I need to tackle. I spend my days absorbed in an absent-minded state, staring at a screen, at a book, or out the window. As a writer and artist, I tend heavily toward non-pragmatic skills. I don’t have the first clue how to teach my boys how to hunt, or fish, or build things, or fix things – in large part because nobody knew how to teach me.

In other words, like so many men of my generation, I don’t really know how to be a man, much less a good husband and father. I have a God-given authority over my family that I’m pretty terrible at using well. And there’s something about having to look it up on the Internet that seems to defeat the purpose.

But I have to fix things, so I have no choice but to humble myself. I don’t like admitting it, but here I am, because it’s extremely important, and I know I’m far from alone. In the pursuit of wisdom on this, I’ve spoken to other men I know and respect, most of whom seem to be floundering as well. I also look for whatever resources are available in hopes of finding good advice. Recently, I’ve reached for two of them in particular — Fr. Chad Ripperger’s excellent talk on being a husband (you can find it on this page; please read the terms of his “penanceware” agreement then scroll down until you find the talk for “husbands”), and G.C. Dilsaver’s The Three Marks of Manhood: How to be the Priest, Prophet, and King of Your Family

The two together made me realize something very important.

Fr. Ripperger says that a man has two principal duties: to provide for his wife so that she can care for the children and the home, and to protect both wife and children. The husband has an obligation to do these things, and the wife has a right to them. Fr. Ripperger says that this provision and protection are not simply material in nature, but also — and primarily — spiritual. That it is a husband’s duty to obtain for his wife and children the graces they need to resist temptation and to carry out the obligations of their states in life. That just as it is more efficacious for a priest to come and pray against an evil that is afflicting a family (Fr. Ripperger is an exorcist), it is more efficacious for a husband, as the domestic priest, to pray for the protection of his family than it would be for the wife or the children to do so. He says that the Devil and his minions, seeking the path of least resistance, will often attack the children and the wife as their first line of offense, in order to disrupt the order of the home. At the same time, the husband — the head of the family — will in fact endure the worst spiritual attacks, inasmuch as he is the bulwark and principal defense of his family against evil. Fr. Ripperger says that if the wife or the children are becoming contentious and disrupting the order of the home or usurping his authority, it is the husband and father’s job not just to temporally admonish them, but to offer himself to God in whatever way is necessary to obtain the graces they need to overcome these temptations. And when he fails to do these things, the problems worsen.

With these ideas freshly in my mind, I began reading Dilsaver’s book. I didn’t make it far before I saw this:

The Catholic clergy, representing both theistic and ecclesiastical authority, has also earned the hatred of a world opposed to fatherhood. It was the clergy, by exploits of unparalleled heroism, that spread the seeds of the Faith far and wide and brought Christian civilization to fruition. However, the ranks of the clergy have also entailed Judas priests and bishops who have betrayed Christ and His holy Church with the effeminization of some men in the priesthood, contributing greatly to the scandal that currently surrounds the Church. Today there is an urgent need for prophetic and courageous priests and bishops of pristine fatherly character to witness to the true nature of their office; and again, it is the family that holds the key to their advent, for the home is the first seminary, and the familial father is the primary role model for the future Reverend Father.

And that’s when it struck me: in much the same way that my wife and children know that they need more and better from me than they’re currently getting, the frustration that so many Catholics are feeling these days is the fruit of the same crisis of manhood — and of fatherhood in particular — as it affects the priesthood.

I am at times discouraged by the fact that as a layman, I am forced to confront the errors now threatening our Catholic Faith almost entirely without the support of even the best clergy. There is a resentment I have felt, and still feel, when otherwise good priests (or bishops) make excuses for why they refuse to stand firmly between their spiritual children and the threats that endanger them. These men seem so concerned about ecclesiastical careers or diplomacy with their flocks — of not upsetting the enemy or those who have fallen under the enemy’s spell — that they have forgotten about the duty they owe to their family to protect them. In the case of priests, they sometimes seem more concerned about what their bishops would think than in what their spiritual children truly need from them.

To hear these excuses — to be left alone by those soldiers of Christ who should be on the front lines of this battle in a time of immense spiritual danger — is just like a father who runs out the back door when a burglar breaks through the front, leaving the wife and children to fend for themselves.

To hear priests defer to pressure from their bishops in this moment of crisis is like having a father who lets his boss come into the home and have his way with his wife and abuse the children. “I really need this job so I can pay our bills,” he explains to his incredulous son, his hands held up defensively. “I just can’t afford to have him angry with me.”

We have a right to expect protection and provision from our clergy. They have a duty to provide it to us. And while I understand better than many how hard it can be to find it within yourself to be the man your family needs when you feel lost and unsure, it’s not enough to just throw up our hands. We have to do this. We must. We’ve got to reach down deep and fall on our knees and stumble forward the best we can no matter our fear, uncertainty, or more likely than either of these, our discomfort. We’re going to answer for it when we stand before the judgment seat of Our Lord. We’d better have something worthwhile to say.

As biological fathers, failing to serve our families through a death to self is an abdication of our duty, a sin against our wives and children, and an offense before God. Not teaching our boys to be men because we don’t know how to be men is a recipe for their own misery and failure and our eternal shame. Not teaching our girls to have self-respect and how to identify the way they should be treated by a man is no better. For men with the spiritual fatherhood imparted to them by Holy Orders, not teaching their children the truths of the faith, giving them the life-saving sacraments they need, and defending them from the errors that threaten to attack like a an assailant in the night is just as bad. There is no acceptable reason for not getting out of bed to confront the source of the break-in. Even if it costs us our lives.

The cycle of excuses has to stop. We have to figure out our failures and fix them. However imperfectly we accomplish this, it’s far better than if we do nothing at all.

The men of our age are really all broken and insufficient in various ways, and I place myself foremost among them in that regard. Nevertheless, we must learn to take our duties seriously. We must learn to have the courage of our convictions, and the strength to do the hard work they require. We must learn once again to be men, unashamed to stand our ground — and to fight and die if necessary — sacrificing ourselves for those we love as Christ sacrificed Himself for the Church.

God has done this for us, and demands it from us. Failure is not an option.

78 thoughts on “The Fatherhood Crisis: At Home & in the Church”

  1. Excellent article. Yes, fatherhood is the key to the problems in the Church just as it is in the domestic church.

    If you ever heard Scott Hahn teach at Steuby I am sure you will have heard him say that “priesthood” and “fatherhood” are synonymous throughout the OT. Indeed the restoration of the priesthood of Melkizedek by Our Lord was the restoration of the original (pre-Levitical) priesthood which was exercised by every father and first-born son.

    That is why men who have no concept of or inclination towards natural fatherhood should never be admitted to seminaries in order to train as supernatural fathers. As you rightly say, they will sooner bolt out the back door when a burglar comes calling than defend their family. A great priest should be a man who would make a great father in the natural order if he had not received the call from God.

    Men who would encourage their children to sin, pat them on the head when they do evil, never teach them how to put right what has been done wrong make bad fathers and bad clergy.

    Reply
    • I think it`s worth to take into regard that in former times the bishops were always picked from the nobility or from the higher Bürgertum/bourgeoisie. By that they had a “natural authority”, a fatherly authority because they knew how to rule. It was in their veins so to speak. They needn`t necessarily to be good theologicans. It was not forbidden that they were but the main thing was that they knew how to feed the herd: in justice, truth and love- fatherly. It`s no secret that this was not always the case.

      Now, if someone wanted to undermine Church and States (the kingdoms and the imperium) he had to do everything to disavow the nobility/Adel (sometimes they did that themselves like in France when one thinks of Versailles). And this “business” was done from the time of “enlightement” on. One could write a lot of books on that.

      I think that is one aspect perhaps concerning the problems of today within the church.
      Jesus Christ Himself had a noble ancestry according to the Gospel: son of King David.

      Reply
      • Dear Steve,

        I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes, but here goes:

        Women will be submissive to their husbands if the husband in turn is subject to Christ (cf. Eph. 5). If a woman is not submissive to her husband, somewhere along the line you’ll find that the husband is not submissive to Christ. When the husband once again submits to choose, the wife will once again submit to her husband.

        St. John Chrysostom once said (paraphrasing here) that Eve should not have been conversing with the serpent, she should have been talking to Adam which is why she was created. If Adam had stood up and said: WHY is this serpent talking? Serpents don’t talk.”. The fact is that the enemy has always tried to insinuate himself between husband and wife since e beginning.

        Yes, Eve disobeyed God, but if Adam had supported her, then perhaps the Fall never would have occurred. Consequently, there would be no exultet in the TLM on Pascha amongst other things.

        Sorry if this doesn’t make any sense. It’s been a long day.

        Yours in Christ the King,

        Margaret

        Reply
  2. Very well written article, Steve! I wish there were married women who could write as eloquently about self improvement as wives and mothers.
    Out of curiosity, what are the specific situations you’re referring to where our pastors run or defer to their bishops at the expense of the flock? I found that part intriguing.

    Reply
    • Many, if not most, are terrified to speak out against the crisis of papal authority, the abuses of the synods and of Amoris Laetitia, the doctrinal confusion emanating from Rome, the enormity of the homosexual subculture in the Church, etc.

      And almost none are willing to talk about the failure of the post-conciliar experiment, or to admit that Vatican II, while for all outward appearances a valid council, was rigged to be exploited by the worst kinds of infiltrators of the Church.

      Reply
      • Do you think this is prevalent in the FSSP? It seems like when we try to address these topics with our pastor we’re met by radio silence or even an explicit refusal to engage out of “obedience.” I understand the perspective of just doing your duty in simplicity, but at the same time we need feedback on current events like A.L. We were also told recently that it would be a mortal sin to attend an SSPX wedding. It all seems so backwards, and we are floundering for guidance.

        Reply
      • Honest question: Do you ever get the idea that many rank and file priests agree with much of what is happening in Rome? Priests in my parish bring Francis glowingly into their homilies when they never said much about his predecessor. Add to that the constant calls for ecumenism and shared community values amongst all Christians as well as people of other faiths, and some of the priests at the parishes I attend don’t seem to be particularly Catholic.

        Reply
      • There is one who has addressed all the aforesaid issues…and that is Ann Barnhardt. She is not terrified to speak the truth so she has high esteem in my eyes. How can anyone pretend to be a Christian and be afraid to speak truth, no matter the potential blowback..who the H cares when there is only one person we should be true too..and that is our Creator.

        Reply
  3. One thing I think is important to add is that the crisis of fatherhood is directly related to a lack of men who understand that their primary identity is a beloved son of God. This relationship to God is primary and must be lived before one can truly receive fatherhood which should flow from ones sonship. Fatherhood is the mission of every man whether spiritual or natural, and this article does a good job touching on that. Fatherhood shouldn’t be seen as a second identity added to sonship but the crown of ones sonship.

    Reply
  4. The gender roles have changed: an obvious fact not only but also on account of the change of the economic and social conditions during the 20th century as it seems to be. I think that not alone the men are in some sort of a crisis but also the women. Both, men and women, are overwhelmed by their role that they presumably think are expected “to play” nowadays.

    And these problems are in my understanding partly linked with the problems within the church. If there is no good and fatherly (determined, resolute and mild at the same time) guidance by the priests and bishops then it is a small wonder that these unsteadinesses/insecurities by the clerics are going to have a negative effect on the faithful especially in the times of cinema, radio, TV and all these journals and magazins who are manipulating people`s minds and consciousnesses.

    In my opinion it would be desirable that husband and wife share more more than less the same religious/catholic convictions and then struggle hand in hand through all the challenges and problems. I have read that for decades the faithful in the former Soviet Union have survived by only praying the rosary without having a priest in all these years. And that fact is very probably one of the reasons why bishop Schneider for instance is so strong minded. And I would add that we in the West (Western Europe, North America etc.) live now in a similar situation.

    “A family who prays together stands together” (and this is true) is a motto of pope Benedict XVI. Sorry for my unpolished English.

    Reply
    • YES! Name the virtue! You showed courage! You showed perseverance! You showed reverence! You showed self control!
      Hey kids, what does the Catechism say is the only authentic freedom?
      Self mastery…
      WHAT?
      SELF mastery…
      WHAT DID YOU SAY?
      SELF MASTERY!!!!!
      That’s what I’m talking about! 🙂 YOU’VE GOT WHAT IT TAKES!

      It can be football or hunting, but it also can be ping pong, it can be chess, speech and debate, it can be bowling, gooney golf….whatever talent or game you enjoy. It’s not the game guys, it’s the virtues you and your kids are learning!!! 😀

      Reply
      • Thank you so much for your reply to the post I gave to Steve last night. And your right! My Father would ALWAYS defend my Mother and when the bad Mother/daughter years were taking place, he would say:”You may not understand your Mother, but one day you will……she has a BIG HEART! You put it so well…he had a vision… a holy vision from God as to what a Father should be because he did not have the role model in his own Father. His own Father was a great provider, but not much of a communicator. When my Father died in 2012, there was almost an immediate, direct intervention from God The Father…..He knew it was time to “scoop” me in His arms and I have never let go….the transference was immediate.

        Reply
  5. The consecrated hands of my son, Fr. Flanery at the elevation of the “Pearl”

    ONCE
    THERE
    WAS
    A
    FATHER

    Once there was a father
    Who loved his little girl
    He held her hand and walked to Mass
    So she could see the Pearl.

    “My darling there is silver,
    My darling there is gold
    But the greatest price is sacrifice
    The world keeps that untold.

    The world can give you silver,
    With gold it can entice
    Diamond, topaz, rubies
    But none can match Pearl’s price.

    Sacrifice gave birth to you
    Sacrifice it fed
    Sacrifice it guided you
    Sacrifice it bled.

    For every drop of blood He shed
    Gave us the faith to trust
    And made us rich in sacrifice
    To give you Bread not crust.

    And for awhile sometimes we stray
    Believing not in Creeds
    But when things don’t sustain our souls
    Then turn to Pearl that bleeds.”

    Failing father said he wished
    “For every time…a penny,”
    He heard the daily words so rich
    “…be shed for you and many.”

    The little girl she cried
    Raining on his bed a flood
    But father saw her sacrifice
    “Your tears are crystal blood.”

    Once there was a father
    Who loved his little girl
    He held her hand for his last Mass
    But left her with…the Pearl.

    You are a great Catholic, Steve, keep your children close to the “Pearl”.

    Reply
  6. Another hit piece on fatherhood from he faith community. You want to know fatherhood is “in crisis?” Well, that’s because feminism both inside and out of the Church has been assailing it for about a century now which has finally taken its toll. Women have been elbowing their way into every male space that men once used to rear the next generation of guys to carry the torch. Were traditional guys always so just and holy, NO! They did have a better grasp on reality though. Read JPII’s Muleries Dignitatem and he practically takes a dump all over fatherhood and proclaims in inferior to motherhood on several accounts. When you condition men to play second fiddle to women they will throw their hands up since “women do it better.” Why bother waste the effort?

    Women can divorce their husbands, take half the “stuff,” and get priority in child living arrangements. Men gets stuck with the bill. How is that Biblical “authority” for you? Women can go get an abortion without her husband even so much as knowing, and heaven forbid someone suggest an aborting woman have legal action taken against her! I’m not a die-hard Trump supporter but his logic on that matter was correct. You can’t call it murder, but be against at least charging a woman as accomplice? Really?

    Reply
    • Jim, it started with women-Yes. Like Fr. Chad mentioned, the devil will attack the women and children first. But as the leaders, men (fathers, clergy, bishops) have to claim ultimate responsibility. What general blames the infantry when he loses a war? The watchman has to be asleep for an intruder to enter.

      Reply
      • Yes, fathers have an important role but if that role is being undermined by society then one can’t serve in it as efficiently as is necessary. Imagine if someone said the military couldn’t use guns, bombs, or planes. How do you expect them to fight? What have traditional women done as of late to push back against feminism? Any one think to organize a protest or movement to pronounce LOUDLY that feminists do not speak for all women? You’ve got a group called “Women Against Feminism” on Facebook but they only have about 33,000 likes in a world of > 3 billion people let alone just the 300,000,000 in the US alone? When men were fighting back against feminism, where the women to offer their support that a man can indeed have an opinion on abortion? I understand passivity is an attribute of femininity, but sometimes its necessary for the “Joan of Arc” to make an appearance.

        Reply
    • When there is no ‘half the stuff’ to take women are left in the lurch. I can totally understand why women want the assurance of a paycheck and retirement plan. I am one of the extinct dodo birds who stayed home and raised an awesome family. All five graduated top of their college classes.. have good careers and very fine families of their own of which they can be proud. Yes, I was left in the lurch when he wanted a divorce after 27 years.

      I got nada, zilch, zero at the divorce..but then he refused to help the kids with college so it was up to me to cosign 16 loans for 5 kids in college. He refused to help albeit his income was far greater than mine. I put in fifty hour weeks working while going to college at night to finish my degree…all the meanwhile a son came home from the Air Force pre gulf war I and left there in very poor health for the next 15 years…the vaccines did a real number on our boys. Again his father refused to help him so that was tossed in my lap as well.

      Their dad wasn’t fit to be a father nor did he care to partake in family life as he was a narc, and as narc as they come. Everything was always about him and no one was allowed to have feelings of their own. A shrink told him that. He often wished he had become a priest instead, but a priest had told him years before his problem with pride/ego would prevent him from being a good priest..This meant life was a total hell for me all those years, but breaking up the family seemed even worse from my perspective. I look back now and wonder if it would have been better for me to divorce and not being abused for 20+ years. My daughters eventually castigated me for not divorcing earlier, for as they claimed, it did them no good to see me being abused.

      The only thing he gave me credit for was being an awesome mother, but beyond that I never did anything good enough for him. Now I see all too clearly it was to take the light off of him and his many transgressions…how easy for narcs to concentrate on others and ignore the very real flaws of their abusive ways. I might mention he was German and that factored in greatly as I have since learned they are often ill equipped to be at all sacrificial/loving.

      Reply
  7. If you stand for Truth you stand for Christ. Defend and practice the Truth and you will be in the City of God. Truth as a biological father or a priestly father is all that’s needed to set as an example of how to live for God.

    The failed paternal leaders hide the Truth to appease others or make themselves feel better. Fight for the Truth and be faithful to your duties in your state of life.

    Reply
    • I totally agree with the need to love the Truth, want the Truth, and have the humility to accept the Truth. I have never really understood why so many fear/deny the Truth when it actually makes life easier to live. It’s like having all the answers. However, I fear the Truth has been so twisted and masticated we may never get to the pure Truth until that Great and Terrible Day of the Lord comes.

      Reply
  8. This article has opened a hornet’s nest for me. As a result of our mother’s was absence through ill health either in hospital or at home facing death almost every day, It fell to my father to run the house & see to our rearing for the most part. He couldn’t manage it as he really didn’t like children & didn’t mind letting us know. I realised even at the time that he missed his wife’s attention as we missed her motherly love but instead of trying to make-up to us for this stark absence he became like an army sergeant major with wallops and other disciplinary methods that were far OTT. Our diet was terrible because he couldn’t cook so at the age of ten I had to stay home from school & run the house until my mother had improved enough to take over which at that stage I didn’t recognise her as our mother & thought he had re-married. Again his reaction was to hit me but fortunately my mother intervened. The only time he ever recognised me as an adult was when I stood before him in my wedding gown waiting for him to accompany me to Church. His astonishment was truly amazing & very sad. As he died within two years of that event we didn’t get to know each other as individuals.

    My brother went down the same road with his wife & family though not for the same reasons. He thought that by providing for them he was doing his manly duty. The fact that he extricated himself at every opportunity and hated taking part in family celebrations etc. meant little love was shown when it was needed. When his wife asked him for some romance in her life he went ballistic. He couldn’t accept that the most important aspect of marriage was the one favour he was not prepared to give. His daughter is the wage earner in her family but her husband leaves all the chores for her to attend to when she gets home. That marriage too is on the rocks.

    It seems men are not prepared to get the finger out when necessary and resent the fact that it is expected of them. If men want to be respected as head of the home then they have to justify that position. It is not right for women to have to do everything while hubby is watching a game on television, down at the pub with his mates or simply snoozing after a good meal. Rearing a family is a dual effort & to my mind a very worthwhile one too. Children need the input from both parents but in my own experience men only start to take an interest when they reach university level, by which time it is too late. It can also be too late for the couple themselves who generally drift when children leave home if they have not made good foundations for their marriage. Time for each other as well as quality family time is a must. Children are one’s own flesh & blood & I cannot accept that any parent would look upon them as a hindrance & unwanted responsibility, but some do.

    Reply
    • You have my deepest sympathy. Most of the fathers I knew as a child failed at their duty to protect their families from themselves.

      And Mr. Skopjec, fix your anger problems before you do anything else. There is nothing so poisonous to family harmony than having one parent with a bad temper. Anger is a sin. If you wife or kids are afraid of your temper, then nothing else you do will make any difference in their lives.

      Reply
  9. Dear Steve, I could not agree with you more regarding the duties of the clergy to their flock. The difficulties of the present Pontificate and especially the problems of Amoris Laetitia have brought this issue to the fore. I join you in praying that more Bishops and priests lay aside fear, vanity and ambition, and exercise their paternal care for the flock entrusted to them. Do not allow yourself to be discouraged! God bless you and your work! Fr Glen Tattersall

    Reply
  10. I grew up in a VERY functional home with parents that were committed to God and family. There are two significant things that my Father gave all of his six children. First, he ALWAYS made us feel loved, valued. We knew he had to work a lot and he had bowling on Monday nights and golf on Saturday mornings twice a month. BUT he enjoyed us. When he was with us, we knew there was no other place he would rather be. That every opinion or question was important for him to listen to and to answer. He would have conversations with us about character, integrity, work ethic,the existence of God, finding the right mate, sacrifice, responsibility. These conversations would take place when he was shaving or getting ready to go out. They would take place while he planted a garden or hung Christmas lights around the house. These conversations would develop from when we were very young until we left the home. Basically Steve, when we looked in his eyes we saw his joy and happiness in being a Father. Yea he had a temper and sometimes he was impatient with Mom or one of us kids, but it was short-lived and he would be humbled to do better. Secondly Steve, he gave us, with the aid of the Holy Spirit, fear of the Lord. Only a Father can really give this gift to his children. Mothers, no matter the circumstance,( I am a single Mother of three) can not give this gift to their children. As a young adult, when reflecting upon this gift, I understood it because of the love I had for my Father and the fear that went with it. In our poor catechesis in the Catholic schools, how could you “fear the Lord”? After all, He was presented as a feel-good, great guy/God. Then I thought of my Father and our fear of him if we disobeyed but we absolutely knew of his love for us. This formula of fear and love defined this gift of the Holy Spirit for me and I would not have understood without the example of my Father.

    Finally, my Father hugged, kissed and flirted with my Mother…..PRICELESS…THE SECURITY WE FELT FROM HIS AFFECTION FOR HER. May God help all fathers, Priests, Bishops, Cardinals and Popes to lead their families to Heaven.

    Reply
    • Victoria,
      What a beautiful description of true Christian Fatherhood!

      So well balanced.

      He first of all had a VISION.

      He communicated this VISION to his kids throughout the day as it says in scripture to impress God’s precepts upon “thy children, and thou shalt meditate upon them sitting in thy house, and walking on thy journey, sleeping and rising. ” Deut 6:7 He knew what he wanted to teach his kids before they were grown and was prepared to have those conversations whenever the opportunities arose. God’s precepts were already written on his heart so he could readily communicate them to his children. (And I especially liked that he talked about what to look for in a spouse while the kids were still young enough to listen!)

      Second, he unabashedly LOVED HIS WIFE. I know very few Catholic wives who feel any sort of love or affection from their husbands no matter how beautiful, hardworking and faithful they are. Our culture makes it seem UNMANLY for a husband to show affection to his wife and since women aren’t robots, they often end up feeling like prostitutes and nannies. True intimacy requires vulnerability (just look at Jesus on the cross showing us HIS love). Few men are confident enough in their masculinity to be vulnerable to a woman. (And see how Jesus was vulnerable to his Blessed Mother.) In order to defend oneself from the feminization of manhood in our culture, sadly many men are escaping to machismo and detachment from their wives and children. I know it’s hard to learn how to be both masculine and loving when you didn’t have that role model, but having that goal in mind is at least a good place to start.

      Weekly DATE NIGHT, and even a night at a hotel 4 times a year are great places for husbands to keep your love life alive. The graces you need are found in your marriage covenant. Keep it reverent, romantic, and something to look forward to. Plus you are communicating to your children that marriage really is something to look forward to (unlike the messages they hear via our culture).

      Third, your Dad knew how to balance his life and plan his time in a way that allowed him to get replenished with his own fun and healthy activities–his golf and bowling. Not every week…not in EXCESS mind you. Just in moderation so that he didn’t resent having to spend all of his time on his wife and kids leading to an explosion of frustration.

      Fourth, your Dad was consistent with discipline. He didn’t wait and wait and ignore until things got out of hand and then REACT instead of act. He ACTED swiftly and purposefully based on the principles in his heart he wanted to transmit, rather than his emotional state.

      You didn’t mention it, but I would hope that your Dad also showed zero tolerance for disrespect for Mom. So many Catholic Dads, especially home schoolers, don’t realize they are causing their own problems when they fail to teach their kids to respect Mom. How can she possibly run a school or home when the “principal” fails to back her up?

      So there you go, Steve, and all you Dads out there. That’s all you need to know in a nutshell. Create a vision (even if you weren’t given one) and ask for the grace of God and St Joseph to help you fulfill it.

      And remember, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!

      Reply
  11. This is a copy of a comment I made in regards to priestly celibacy, yet the arguments apply overall to the stripping of fatherhood from the priesthood:

    Celibacy has been a target of the Vatican II academics from the start. These sterile academics never were true fathers to a parish flock, so the priestly role of father was completely disregarded. The anti-celibacy missile is fueled and ready for launch, but it didn’t come out of nowhere. The path has been cleared by several means:
    The priest’s sacred functions formerly reserved to consecrated hands have already been transferred and absorbed by the married laity. The theology of the priest was changed, and mandatory masculine celibacy doesn’t fit the new theology.
    The establishment of a married permanent diaconate after Vatican II by John-Paul II put a married camel’s nose under the tent of Holy Orders.
    This was followed by the novel exceptions given to protestant already-married converts being accepted into the priesthood ala Longenecker.
    The establishment of a collaborative ministry handed over jobs like alcolyte, lector, reader and administer of communion to a phalanx of lay “ministers” who had no path at all to the celibate ordained priesthood. This put more un-consecrated busy-bodies fluttering about into the sanctuary, helping to desecrate the space also.
    Lay “pastoral administrators” presiding over the orphaned priest-less parishes further undermined the role of parish priest as protector and teacher.
    Lay lead priest-less “communion services” which are almost indistinguishable from the Novus Ordo “mass” or your typical protestant “service” have prepared minds of Catholic to accept lay married “presiders” as normal.
    The non-ordained married laity have assumed almost all of the functions that have been reserved to the celibate priesthood. This has been the groundwork laid by the Modernists to destroy the celibate priesthood.
    The liturgical tinkerers have made the celibate priest’s presence optional and/or redundant at the most intimate moment of holy communion between the faithful and their Lord. The majority of Catholics now receive the Eucharist from the hands of a lay person. The gateway drug to eliminate celibacy was Communion in the hand.
    The priests role being limited only to consecration of the host has become as if he’s a only there to “fertilize the egg” so to speak, then his role is over and he can just leave or sit back and watch the show. The act of the priest “feeding” the faithful with the Bread of Life has been eliminated.
    A true father is not just a source of fertilizer, a true father not only helps to create his children, but also guides them, nurtures them, teaches them and feeds them and defends them. He provides for them. The priest’s role as spiritual father is not confined to the sanctuary, he brings the Bread of Life out of the sanctuary to provide sustenance for his spiritual children.
    In some ways, the celibate priest is the spiritual spouse, Christ-like, married to the Church already in his role as father. And, like natural marriage, there can be no sharing of the spouse. A lay man, even most pagan men, will not share his wife. So to ask a priest to give his role as a sacred spouse away to countless others breaks the most intimate character of a priest, it rips away his manhood and destroys his sacred marriage to the Church.
    This is why celibacy is on the Modernist chopping block, because they have already divorced the priest from his fatherly role and his spiritual marriage.
    Michael F Poulin

    Reply
  12. “…Nevertheless, we must learn to take our duties seriously. We must learn to have the courage of our convictions, and the strength to do the hard work they require. We must learn once again to be men, unashamed to stand our ground — and to fight and die if necessary — sacrificing ourselves for those we love as Christ sacrificed Himself for the Church.”

    I suggested to one blogger that the faithful man might take a baseball bat and fight to actually physically purge his Church of its homosexual priest and his gay lover, and tell the bishop “don’t you dare send us this trash ever again” to which the blogger responded : “I can’t support violence on my blog,,, so sorry I can’t publish your comment”

    So if you are not willing to actually physically fight against evil, like the old military orders of knights with their swords, and only rhetorically “fight” with words, then the words are empty and meaningless.

    Reply
    • There’s a prudential aspect to violence — covered more than adequately by just war theory — that actually does keep sane men from going on the attack in this way.

      There’s also the matter of canon law (1370): “A person who uses physical force against a cleric or religious out of contempt for the faith, or the Church, or ecclesiastical authority or the ministry, is to be punished with a just penalty.”

      How many priests have you assaulted?

      Reply
      • The just war theory applies to countries, not parishes, however I might see that it could be stretched to include situations where, when all other means have been exhausted, that a real Catholic man would be bound to protect the innocent members of his parish from predators.

        The canon law 1370 also does not apply in this theoretical case as protecting fellow Catholic brothers and sisters is not done out of contempt for the faith, nor contempt for authority, but is done for righteousness sake, – again to protect the innocent out of duty to charity.

        I have only chastised a very few priests verbally, fortunately I have not assaulted any priests. But my brother and me witnessed my classmates being assaulted as young boys by priests when we were too young to protect ourselves and the so-called men of the parish, such as Knight of Columbus, etc and the women sisters also did nothing about it and knowingly covered up the assaults. It took a lawsuit by the parents of a kid who had political connections with the DA’s office before the priest was transferred to another parish. The poor and un-connected kids were left to suffer in silence.

        I am guessing you were making a little joke about my sanity and the number of priests I assaulted- that was funny.

        A far as I know, my own parish priest was a holy and pure man. But if I ever found evidence he was harming children you can bet your blog I would drive him out of the parish.

        Protection of the innocent has been a healthy Catholic teaching for quite some time as seen for example from the Catholic Encyclopedia:

        “Defense of Life and Person: Everyone has the right to defend his life against the attacks of an unjust aggressor. For this end he may employ whatever force is necessary and even take the life of an unjust assailant. As bodily integrity is included in the good of life, it may be defended in the same way as life itself. It must be observed however that no more injury may be inflicted on the assailant than is necessary to defeat his purpose.”

        I believe the tradition of physical action against evil stems from Jesus’ own just actions, where he physically drove the moneychangers from the Temple with a whip he had made for the purpose:

        John 2:13-17 Revised Standard Version Catholic Edition (RSVCE)

        Jesus Cleanses the Temple
        13 The Passover of the Jews was at hand, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. 14 In the temple he found those who were selling oxen and sheep and pigeons, and the money-changers at their business. 15 And making a whip of cords, he drove them all, with the sheep and oxen, out of the temple; and he poured out the coins of the money-changers and overturned their tables. 16 And he told those who sold the pigeons, “Take these things away; you shall not make my Father’s house a house of trade.” 17 His disciples remembered that it was written, “Zeal for thy house will consume me.”

        So if Jesus Christ was justified in driving out a bunch of guys who were making change, certainly you could justify driving out a priest who is feeling up your daughter.

        Peace and blessings
        Michael F Poulin

        Reply
        • Michael you are spot on with your assessment of righteous and just punishment. In Boston/New England, one Cardinal Bernard Law shuffled pedo priests all over New England for DECADES. Before year 2000 parents were paid hush money to not tell authorities and to pay for emotional damage to the child. Sadly some of the kids ended up taking their own lives.If only one kid’s father had taken justice in his own hands (as His Father gives him that right), I think many priests would have gotten the message that you don’t screw with another father’s kids! If you do, you deal with his earthly father!

          I recall that one priest who ended up in prison (his name alludes me now). Inmates helped him to meet his Maker. Many men are in prison because of being a victim of a pervert as a child…give them a man who has defiled other kids and you will see them doing the righteous thing. But hey, this is liberal loony new England where things like sinful behavior should be accepted! The Church loved that loon aspect!!

          Reply
          • Thanks. The pervert’s name was John J. Geoghan. Sadly, if only a few men had stood up to throw his sorry hide out the church doors, dozens of boys would not have been scarred for life, and Mr Geoghan might still be alive today to repent his sins.

          • Yep, they call it the old boy’s network..you find it not just in the church, but with doctors who refuse to report a bad physician. You find it of course, with crooked lawyers..are there actually any good lawyers left? Sad to say, but men all too often cover for each other. No more egregious area than covering for a perv.

        • My husband’s friend shared his story about when a new priest came to his parish. His son was about 10 years old at the time, and this friend was not in the dark about the sexual abuse crises plaguing the priesthood, but decided he would not be helpless in protecting his son. After Mass, at greeting time, our friend introduced himself and his son to the new priest and said very politely, but staring him straight in the eye, that if this priest should ever be involved in impropriety toward his son, he would take care of him PERMANENTLY.

          At first I cringed, not knowing how I felt about this. But I’ve pondered this story from 2 different points of view:
          First of all, I don’t claim to understand men, but having been married to one for 25 years, I’ll take a stab at this. If this priest was a holy, God-fearing man who had what it would take to be a good father to a child, my best guess is that he would have developed a deep respect for this father from an understanding he was doing all he could to protect his son. Men have an instinctive respect for courage and integrity.

          If the priest, however, was indeed cowardly, unfaithful, unbelieving or a sex-abuser, this is exactly the response needed: A warning from a father that he is being carefully watched, and his actions judged. Kind of a forewarning of the big Judgement that will come to every one of us one
          day. It seems to me the kindest thing that could be said to a sinner who no longer knows or cares what he is doing.

          Just my thoughts.

          Reply
  13. Very good Steve. Standing at the barrier ready to be run over by the devil and the powers of the world while the Church provides little support is simply overwhelming. God knows this and He will support you. We are not alone. We can only do the best we can and not worry too much about what happens and what might happen. Have confidence in God., not yourself.
    But where sin abounded, grace did much more abound. — Romans 5:20

    Reply
  14. Divine Gender Identification is defined by our Creator, in both form and function. Evil can only enter into your home invited, don’t let it in.

    Reply
  15. Don’t forget Steve that we also live in a society now where the “entertainment” most people see on TV or elsewhere shows dad to be a hapless boob who’d be nowhere without mom to make things right! She’s the smart one! And when will we ever address the crisis of the Black fatherless families in the inner cities? When donkeys fly? I’ll be praying for you and your family!

    Reply
    • I’ll agree with the hapless boob stereotype seen in TV characters. However, what I take away from those characters is that they love each other. That these imaginary marriages have a foundation of love and can overcome and thrive from the many humorous mistakes the characters make. That by not being perfect, which we are all most certainly not, they are still capable to have and give love to spouse and children. In some way as well, the hapless boob, also shows a humility (not humiliation) in acknowledging that they do not have all the answers and needs to rely on their spouse just as much as the spouse needs to rely on the HB.

      One must remember as well that the HB characters are also found in comedy shows where Ward Cleaver character types do not make for much comedy. In addition, the HB father figure is also surrounded by HB wife and children. A comedy of errors so to speak. They are a way to laugh at ourselves and our own idiocies which prevents one from being overly self critical.

      Reply
  16. Well today it seems like like it is wrong to tell ones children<" No you mustn't do this." I see young children at Church grabbing missals and throwing them around, I see children in restaurants behaving badly with no parental correction, or if it comes, it is the woman who finally curbs the children's excesses. But the fathers act like they see nothing,. I don't understand that as as a father myself of four children I took the lead in disciplinary actions. I think it is desirable for fathers, and better for the children, to be a little short tempered rather than someone who sees no evil. Today young toddlers seem to do a lot of screaming and yelling at church, whereas I can't remember ours ever making much fuss for the most part. I do remember once when my youngest boy a second grader at the time was cutting up during Mass and my frowns did not seem to have any effect, so I took him outside and paddled him. I did not generally warn children not to do something as my thought was they needed to think for themselves that there would be repercussions for doing something they knew they shouldn't do. There were no free passes. Not that we beat our children or even paddled them much as they were trained from day one almost that they couldn't do everything that they wanted to. And one thing our children were happy, very few tantrums ever.

    When they became teen agers, though control was not quite as simple as it had been, but no great problems. Now I am not saying I was a perfect father, no one is, but they knew I was a father. Then when we had our two oldest in college, with a third a senior in high school, and the youngest a freshman in high school, my wife contracted a virulent form of breast cancer and it was a rough time for the two years she suffered greatly before she died. During that time my youngest, a boy, who was quite stubborn and short tempered, developed a really disturbing hostility towards me. I was very upset. but I avoided precipitant a showdown, and ignored some things. He was definitely hostile then. Years later when he graduated from his surgical internship and was scheduled to give a speech at his graduation which I attended, it was such a rewarding feeling to hear him say in his speech that he owed everything to me, his father. So sometimes patience is a good thing, too. One of his classmates later told me that he owed his graduation to my son who encouraged him not to give up and quit his internship. My point is while there are no perfect fathers, one does not have to be perfect, but to merely act as a father, and show reasonability.

    Reply
    • Yeah. Sure. But it’s not that easy. My wife is even more firmly in your camp than I, and I am, but we have so many poisonous imprints. Stresses accentuate these. It’s not easy, even if everyone is with the plan.

      Reply
    • Really? A return to patriarchy? How is that working out with Islime where women have no voice, no power, must hide their sexuality. You should also distinquish between bad patriarchy and good patriarchy— a hugh diff between them, just as there is a difference between a parent being authoritarian or authoritative!

      Reply
      • “Patriarchy” is much maligned in our days, but it is an ennobling and civilizing force. The source and summit of patriarchy is our Lord, the King of Kings.

        I was raised in an Islamic country so I am very familiar with what you speak of. No disagreement with you there. Every good husband should give his wife and children the gift of a stalwart but benevolent leader. His authority flows directly from the authority of the All-Father – and he should strive to be worthy of that position; he must manage his wife and children wisely and manfully.

        Reply
  17. Thanks Steve. This is an issue I struggle with almost daily. I had no actual masculine role models growing up, and I only realized that and that it was a problem in my 40’s, with 4 young children.

    I think that this topic, as you raise it, is approached often. I’ve looked at some materials. I know “theory.” I’m no coward. I am extremely patient (usually) but I know that I fall far short in many ways. I know some of those shortcomings as you mentioned knowing some, but that’s not enough.

    Please keep this topic alive. I can’t run a blog on this and I know you have your hands full.

    Thanks for your usually keen insight.

    Reply
  18. First and foremost as a father and head of household and husband one must accept fully the responsibility and of fully understanding the primary purpose of your life. First to get yourself to Heaven, second to get your wife to Heaven , third get your children to Heaven and fourth everyone else you possibly can get to Heaven. Nothing else matters . The father must fight everyday for the salvation of his and his families souls. Pray the rosary every day and pray it well and pray with the family. If young children are distracting, pray your rosary early in the morning when everyone is asleep then pray it again with the family. Meditation is very important . The most important is TLM as often as possible. Remove any vices you have one at a time. If anger is your predominate vice pray daily on it , regular confession and regularly receiving the Eucharist. I am a father and husband with now 2 adult sons. Not as hectic as you have it but I was a workaholic and played golf all the time and really learned very late in life what it meant to be a man. The last 10 years or so when I dedicated my life first and foremost to God and deciding that I wanted to become a saint. This is my experience that has worked for me . I still am growing in virtue and trying to be holy and the closer I get to God through my many devotions the happier I become and the more grace I receive the wiser I become and the more that I see how to be a better man. Pray, pray and pray.

    Reply
  19. This goes back to day 1 – Adam failed to protect his wife Eve and even worse, aided and abetted her sin. We see the result – original sin and all its consequences. It is Adam’s fault as the head of the human race. I am also reminded of St. Therese where live is a constant *warfare* against our concupiscent soul. Keep on fighting!

    Reply

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