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The Lord God, beloved brethren, commands you in the Old Law to offer to Him the tithe (tenth part) of your possessions; it is, therefore, just that you should give Him the tithe of your days. For this reason it is everybody’s duty to mortify his body, according to his strength, to crucify his desires and subdue his sinful passions, that he may be, as St. Paul says, ‘a living sacrifice’. – Pope St. Gregory the Great, Homily on the Gospel for the First Sunday of Lent
Lent is the season instituted for penance and more intentionally uniting our sufferings with those of Christ on the cross – to crucify our flesh – in order to prepare our souls for the our greatest liturgical celebration of the year at Easter. This preparation, though historically varying in length and how it was counted, was believed by the early saints, including Pope Leo the Great and Jerome, to be a practice handed down by the Apostles themselves after the example given by Christ’s own forty days of fasting in the desert. As a convert, one of my favorite Benedictine patrons, Dom Prosper Guéranger, helped shape my heart’s understanding of penance. His perspective is one I’m working to pass on to my children as well. In The Liturgical Year, Guéranger explained that,
Penance consists in contrition of the soul, and mortification of the body; these two parts are essential to it… The body is to share with the soul either the delights of heaven or the torments of hell; there cannot, therefore, be any thorough Christian life, or any earnest penance, where the body does not take part, in both, with the soul.
Our goals with this voluntary preparation through penance is detachment from things of the world in order that we may reorder our affections back to their proper hierarchy with God at the top. This is whatSt. Augustine called the “Ordo Amoris.” In order to do this we have to grow in grace and virtue by rooting out our Predominant Fault or main vice. St. John of the Cross, 16th century Carmelite friar and confessor of St. Teresa of Avila, also elaborates on the necessity of this detachment, “To be perfectly united to God by love and will, the soul must first be cleansed of all appetites of the will, even the smallest.” He goes on to say that these appetites, “prevent not only divine union but also advancement in perfection.”
Yet, we cannot expect one Lent to make us perfect saints on earth. However, if we take the season of Lent and the gift of penance seriously, each year we can build upon them with the successes and learn from the flops. Through the years we will grow in holiness leading to that constant recollection to God for which we strive. And really that is what the little, day to day, sacrifices of Lent come down to: namely, a striving towards God, which is not the false perfection of checking off all the boxes. We also ought not let the stumbles or falls of forgetting a voluntary penance make us stop running in the direction of sanctity. We must look to St. Paul: get up, shake off the dust, and finish the race.
Likewise in our home, we want every Lent to change our family’s souls permanently, instead of just for 46 days. We purpose to be deliberate and specific about the family and personal Lenten disciplines we select. Each year our parish provides a Lent worksheet to help individuals determine their penances, and that is what we adapted for our own family’s discernment.
Prayer, fasting, and almsgiving have long been the exemplary forms of Christian penance going back to the Scriptures and in our family we make it a point to include all three as part of our sacrifices in various ways. Additionally, our family and individual Lenten disciplines fall into three categories of kind: Amendments of Life to give up, Sacrifices to offer up, and Crosses to take up based on that parish worksheet. Here is a bit more clarification on what these groups are…
AMENDMENTS OF LIFE TO GIVE UP
Amendments of Life are the permanent giving up of things, activities, or habits of imperfection that are separating us from God, through the cultivation of corresponding virtues. What is coming in between us growing closer to Him? This can be a habitual sin, like envy, where we need to disconnect from near occasions of sin of comparisons that fuel ingratitude, and in its place take time to thank God for His blessings in our life. Alternatively, an Amendment of Life could also be practicing temperance by giving up leisure time to stick to Saturday bedtime, so that getting everyone up and out the door for the Sacrifice of the Mass is a “peaceful given” instead of the “weekly miracle.”
For our family, these penances are usually tied to our Predominant Fault, and we are aiming for St. Thomas Aquinas’s Golden Mean of virtue between the two vices of the extremes (excess or defect). (In my experience, one spouse can often quickly share possibilities for the predominant fault of the other if still unsure, however a thicker skin may be a requirement for this exercise in humility.) We have also found it helpful to discern the remedy penances together as they may affect others in the family. For the children, during Shrovetide we privately discuss what vices they have been struggling with and troubleshoot alternatives for their individual penances. Based on age and maturity, we use the Ten Commandments or Seven Deadly Sins for this personal examen.
SEASONAL SACRIFICES TO OFFER UP
In our home, Sacrifices are the run of the mill type of Lenten penances with which most people are familiar. They are the enjoyable foods, activities, etc. that we abstain from and offer up as temporary penances and which return with Easter. We look at what are some things that are not necessarily bad in and of themselves, but to which we may have formed an unhealthy attachment. Some adult examples could be not using the dishwasher, baking instead of buying bread, not eating out, or taking cold showers. However, when it comes to individual sacrifices for our little ones, things like putting aside a favorite toy, picture book, board game, or food, are more typical choices around here. We pray that, in addition to uniting ourselves to Christ’s passion, by denying ourselves with penance we may also build up our “self control muscles” in order to withstand greater temptations. The hope of more muscles, even spiritual ones, are a great motivator for all our little boys. And on the occasions when they try to talk us into giving in on our penances just a little, we gently remind them, “We’re saying no to the little things now, so that we have big muscles for strength to say ‘no’ to big sins later.”
CROSSES TO TAKE UP
While many have probably participated in a combination of the two categories above, this final group is probably the least familiar. In short, it is the mindful replacement of our chosen sacrifices in the group above with new actions that are more beneficial for our souls and their relationship with God. Our family’s intention is to take up these crosses solely as a gift of love to God. And it is a visible way for us to demonstrate to our children how our love for God should extend into service for Him — like they read in their First Communion Catechism. Our inspiration for this practice was Christ’s words from Matthew 16:24, “Then Jesus said to his disciples: If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me,” paired with the Aristotelian ideal that “nature abhors a vacuum.” When we get rid of something in our lives, that space of time (or in our bellies), naturally longs to be filled. Having an act of charity in place of our sacrifices has often strengthened us to stand firm in times of weakness. Of course this substitute can be decided upon in the moment of temptation, but we have had more fruitful Lents when we take a little time to think ahead and come up with an alternative to actively reach for and that objectively does us greater good. These crosses may also be a permanent addition or temporary based on whether they are also related to an Amendment of Life or only a Seasonal Sacrifice.
Is there a religious devotion or pious practice that needs to be added to your family’s liturgy of life like the Daily Rosary or making a Morning Offering? Lent is a perfect time to add these in place as a cross for one of those attachments from above. Some simple examples of other crosses are more diligent meal planning and grocery shopping for meatless meals (in lieu of scrambling for something in the pantry the first Friday of Lent), packing a salad for Wednesday lunch (instead of trying to find a meatless meal out), picking out a few religious audiobooks or picture books for afternoon quiet time (to stand in for the usual music), or added prayers – like the seasonal Marian antiphon – before bedtime (when we often check our email one more time for the day).
And this is where the penitential atmosphere of our homes can create opportunities for sacrifice and remove some of the associated stress from constantly trying to remember them all. There are some Family Lenten Disciplines we repeat year after year and therefore are not a surprise to most of the household. This seasonal repetition also removes a lot of the grumblings and “why nots” when something is unavailable until Easter. Those above the age of reason know that in Lent we swap out secular music for sacred, Friday movie night with the Stations of the Cross and a religious film, and time spent with other media for religious books; snacks are gone while sweets are reserved for the commemoration of First Class Feasts and select Sundays.
There is one means more whereby we are to secure to ourselves the great graces of Lent; it is the spirit of retirement and separation from the world… The Christian ought, therefore, to forbid himself, during Lent, all the vain amusements, entertainments, and parties, of the world he lives in.
This guidance from Dom Prosper Guéranger aided in the formation of the penitential atmosphere of our home as well as our frame of reference for living the season in other aspects…
BIRTHDAYS IN LENT
To be clear, our family has not gone this far and removed all outside socializing, however Guéranger’s words were one consideration that influenced our discernment when it came to how we handle our calendar in this season, and especially our multiple family birthdays in Lent. This specific concern I’ve been asked about numerous times, and my simple answer is: we transfer them. All our Lent birthdays, including my own, get transferred to the nearest Sunday. And yes, we still have cake and candles. This may not be a popular position, but we ultimately concluded that if the New Calendar could transfer all manner of feasts to a Sunday, then our family could shift a few birthdays. And surprisingly, the children don’t seem to mind much since they can still open their few presents on the actual day. To us, that felt like a fair compromise the children could understand and appreciate.
THE THREE PILLARS OF LENT
Now, all that nitty gritty of differentiation is fine and good and helpful when discerning an approach to Lent, but what about the traditional penances of prayer, fasting, and almsgiving? More specifically, how do they fit into the context of busy family life? In our house these fall into our annual family penances that make up the look and feel of Lent within our home and add to the overall penitential atmosphere we try to foster during the season.
As I mentioned above and in our Shrovetide discussion, we shape the penitential atmosphere in our home during Lent with both things that we can physically see and the daily activities we do as reminders of the season. As the tithe of our year we want Lent to look and feel different from any other part of the year.Some of the visuals we use are the Memento Lento of our Lenten Disciplines on the refrigerator, the same violet color for our tablecloth and mantle family altar decorations as the Church’s liturgical color for Lent, related quotes on sacrifice or the Passion from the saints, burlap as a reminder of the Biblical penance of sackcloth and ashes, our Lenten candle calendar and countdown chain to mark the 40 days, as well as life-like Jesus Nails, a crown of thorns, wooden cross, and cactus for our supper table.
When it comes to the rest of the intangible aspects of our home’s penitential atmosphere, the devotions that mark our Lenten days are mainly forms of prayer, fasting, and almsgiving with a few pious practices sprinkled throughout. I’ve separated what we’ve done in the past by type. And to be clear, and hopefully encouraging, besides some family favorites, we do not do all of these every year. It changes depending on our family’s season of life: are we packing for a move, whether we have a new baby, if the children are all healthy, etc.
PRAYER
We have said different prayers throughout our Lenten days as crosses taken up for other things. Some we already knew while others had to be taught to the kids. Don’t be discouraged if a prayer you want to include is new to your family, prayer is not more efficacious because it is memorized. And in the years we have to pare down to just one type of penance, as the most important of all three, adding prayers is what we always choose to keep.
- Prayer Before a Crucifix (plenary indulgence during the Fridays of Lent, under the usual conditions)
- Friday Lenten Votive Masses
- Friday Stations of the Cross
- Bedtime Ave Regina Caelorum
- Dinnertime Hail Queen of Heaven (English of Ave Regina Caelorum)
- Breakfast teaching of the Morning Offering
- St. Clare’s Litany of the Five Wounds
- Sorrowful mysteries of the Rosary
- The Passiontide Rosary
- St. Bridget of Sweden’s Seven Sorrows daily devotion
- The Divine Mercy Chaplet
- Bedtime teaching of examination of conscience with Ten Commandments or Seven Deadly Sins
- The Office of the Dead on Mondays
- Gradual Psalms (Psalms of Ascent 120-134) on Wednesdays[1]
- Penitential Psalms (Psalms 6, 32, 38, 51, 102, 130, 143) on Friday
FASTING
St. Gregory the Great describes the traditional Lenten Fast as “a tithe of the whole year.” And St. Thomas Aquinas had a whole section devoted to the spiritual necessity of fasting from food and how it is the best way to get all our passions under control in his Summa Theologiae. In Matthew 17:20 Christ also lauds fasting by explaining to the disciples that certain demons are,”… not cast out but by prayer and fasting.” My point here is that fasting, historically defined as limiting one’s portions of food, is a virtuous, spiritually efficacious penance that all healthy Christians should endeavor to do. That being said, with nurturing an unborn baby or nursing a new baby every Lent of our marriage, our family fasting has been less than ideal for my Thomist heart. Even at its strictest observance when eating didn’t happen until after vespers and no meat was included, the Church has never called mothers in the blessed state or nursing to fast. Therefore at this point, with the ages of our children, all we can consistently do is choose from penances like the following:
- making simple, austere meals, like soup for Friday supper
- fast and abstain from meat on the 2 currently required days of Ash Wednesday and Good Friday. (1 full meal and 2 collations – snacks – for those 18 – 69 years for fasting and 14 year for abstinence)
- cut out snacks
- give up my Town Day Dr. Pepper
- say no to second helpings
- pass on sweet treats when not a First Class Feast
- drink only Water
- continue to forgo meat on Fridays
- spouses go meatless on Wednesdays in memory of St. Joseph
ALMSGIVING
Our family wanted to do a few different things to help our children understand and learn to love this forgotten pillar of Lent in spite of our meager budget. We had to get creative and first focus on corporal works of mercy and tithes of talents and time. Another fitting name for these works of mercy is “Almsdeeds” and we can find consolation in Dom Guéranger’s assurance that these acts, not just giving out of the coffers, were, “unanimously recommended by the holy doctors of the Church, as being the necessary complement of fasting and prayer during Lent.”
For our family, another part of almsgiving is going through our home with a heart to give away what we no longer need, so that those things can go on to be a blessing to others. We use Philippians 4:8 as our guide in this process. “For the rest, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever modest, whatsoever just, whatsoever holy, whatsoever lovely, whatsoever of good fame, if there be any virtue, if any praise of discipline, think on these things.” That is to say, when we determine a non-necessity thing is not actively helping us in the aim of elevating the thoughts in our home towards heaven – it’s gone. Having very limited living space helps me be more ruthless in this process.
Another way set aside to help the children with almsgiving is similar to our Advent Christkindl Crib. Here instead of their almsdeeds and acts of charity providing hay to soften Christ’s manger, each voluntary act of charity (for their Lentkindl (Lenten prayer buddy) or someone else), lets them remove a wooden thorn from our homemade crown of thorns or give a penny alm to our Giving Alms Jar. Like Christ’s multiplication of the loaves and fishes, and our little sacrifices when given to Our Lady and united with His Passion, on Easter the pennies are multiplied into silver coins and dollar bills. Then to continue the giving through Eastertide (and because we want our children to store up their treasure in heaven and not seek an earthly reward for their good works), they get to spend the money going on special trips to pick out and deliver food to the sisters of our local Carmelite Convent.
As we enter the solitude of the desert with Christ this Lent, may we embrace all the unexpected crosses He graciously wills for our sanctification. And let us find consolation in the words of St. Alphonsus Lugouri who asks, “Whom do you seek, friend, if you seek not God? Seek Him, find Him, cleave to Him; bind your will to His with bands of steel and you will live always at peace in this life and in the next.”
[1] Note: this is the Masoretic numbering. The Douay Rheims Bible will have slightly different numberings for these