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The Drunk Octopus Effect: Perception, Bias, and Prudent Writing

There’s an old Internet Meme that goes a little something like this:

drunkocto

Pretty much everyone has seen this same coat hanger at some point or another. It’s a pretty ubiquitous piece of hardware. Most of us never think anything of it. But from the moment you’ve seen this captioned image, you can never look at one the same way again. It will always be a drunk octopus, eyes out of focus, fists wagging in the air as it taunts you to take a swing. Now that you’ve seen it, you will most likely find yourself chuckling in a public restroom at some point like an idiot.

It’s silly, but this is how the human mind works.

When I sat down last Friday to write my response to the Hipster Dad’s Letter about his annoying kids, I was reacting to an irritant. The letter essentially said this:

“My kids always act up and I admit it. I know you can’t hear the homily because of them. I know that you can’t tell we care — but secretly we do! Only we don’t do anything outward about it, because isn’t feeling embarrassed enough? In any event, the real issue is that my feelings are deeply hurt by your comments on the matter. Fortunately for you, I’ve reached the conclusion that since clearly, my misbehaving children can’t be the problem (and in fact are probably the cross God wants YOU to bear!), there must be something else at work. I’ve done some hard speculating, and I now believe the only reason you said something to me is because you have some serious hidden tragedy in your life that makes you a horrible person on the outside. I have decided I need to feel compassion towards you, horrible person. I will pray for you. Right after I’m done vilifying you in this open letter. I’m still not going to do anything about these noisy, disruptive kids though.” 

Go ahead. Read it again. See if that’s not the gist of it. And in my own annoyance, I felt moved to create some pithy satire — with a deeper message — in response. I wanted to not only comment on what he was saying, but how he was saying it. When I decided to re-write his own letter back to him, it was my attempt to hold up a mirror and say, “You sounded like a jerk when you wrote this. See how it feels?”

I should not have been surprised when others read my response and said, “You sounded like a jerk when you wrote this.” It was kind of what I was going for, and if people didn’t see that this was the point of imitating the original, well, I should have seen that coming.

The reactions to what I wrote were very subjective. Some thought I had sunk to the same level as the original author’s whiny complaining. Others thought it was pitch-perfect and exactly what needed to be said. Some thought it was mean and judgmental whereas the original was humble and contrite. Still more felt indicted when I wasn’t even talking about them. What I failed to anticipate — but should have — is that everyone who read it would do so through the lens of their own bias. A topic as sensitive as how we raise and discipline children is fraught with memories of our own personal struggles, triumphs, failings, and baggage.

In other words: some people saw the coat hanger. Others saw the octopus. Some, I think, even thought they saw Cthulhu. (I don’t know if he was drunk or not, but he sure was menacing, as tentacled elder space gods tend to be.)

Now, varying opinions (and angry hate mail) on a piece of innately-controversial satire are to be expected. As the saying goes, “you can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs.” But the thing is, I’m not sure an omelette is what I should have ordered. If I had wanted, I could have had eggs benedict, with some smoked salmon and a nice hollandaise sauce. (Now I’m getting hungry…)

Put more plainly: shooting from the hip scratched the itch, but it was short sighted. I had an opportunity to provide a more careful analysis of what was in that letter, and to offer a more cogent and helpful response. I reached for the easy win, and I think that was a mistake.

One of the more unfortunate things to emerge in the ensuing discussion were certain time-honored, virulently bigoted assumptions about traditionalist Catholics. Some commenters immediately latched on to my mention of attendance at the TLM (which I brought up for the specific reason of the unique challenges and benefits that liturgy presents to parents of small children) and then leaped to the conclusion that it all makes so much sense now! Because of course, I’m some horrible archaic beast who chases children and their parents out of Church, hates the disabled, and has a massive superiority complex.

Let’s call this what it is: an ugly and ignorant bias, unbefitting of anyone who claims to be a Catholic. But I’ve done PR long enough to know that it doesn’t matter that it isn’t fair; the perception exists, and it’s our job to fix it.

Along those lines, some folks even went so far as to coyly begin sharing a five-year-old article of mine wherein I reminded my fellow trads that being grumpy all the time does our cause no favors. “Hey, look at this terrific article by that Steve Skojec guy! He sure knew what he was talking about when he wrote this! Didn’t he just write another thing?”

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The bottom line is this: I stand by the substance of my piece — that parents have an obligation to remove children who are obviously distracting others from the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, and to do so in a reasonable fashion. Further, it’s not up to us as parents to decide that others in our parish are meant by God to bear the crosses of our children’s bad behavior. This is a standard I hold myself to, and it’s not an unreasonably high one, though it does take effort.

But I could have presented my case better. Snarky can be fun, but only when you’re not on the receiving end. Or even when you perceive that you’re on the receiving end.

The points I was trying to make about what should be done with children at Mass were lost on those who felt offended, chastised, or indicted by what I was saying. That bothers me, because it’s a missed opportunity to talk about something that I think is very important. And I actually meant what I said here:

I understand that this is a form of fraternal correction that can come across as harsh, but I honestly would welcome you into my home or the Masses I attend and offer any help I could to work with you on getting this right. I understand that we all need to learn and grow and support each other in the living of our faith. I understand that many of us have never been given an example of how we should behave or what we should do, and this makes finding the right thing at times incredibly difficult. I understand that good Catholic friends who understand our struggles can sometimes be hard to find.

I should have tried to be that friend first.

I make a lot of effort to keep our tone and rhetorical style above the belt here, even when dealing with delicate or controversial topics. I am not a fan of needless polemics or excessive snark. As I reflect on it, I believe I failed to meet my own standard this time, and for no better reason than that it felt good to score some rhetorical style points.

This is a part of my nature that I struggle with. I sometimes pick fights when a simple discussion will do. Not because I go to the Latin Mass, not because I’m a child-hating monster, but because I’m a sinful man in need of God’s grace and redemption.

I’ll continue to make an effort to do better going forward. And if a more substantive piece on what sort of behavior we should expect and encourage in Mass would be of benefit to our readers, I’m open to working on that.

60 thoughts on “The Drunk Octopus Effect: Perception, Bias, and Prudent Writing”

  1. I wouldn’t apologize for what you wrote. It was the truth. So parents get a pass at parenting during Mass because they are secretly embarrassed? I just don’t get it. Is this from Greg Popzcak? LOL And the reason you had to mention the TLM was because there are virtually no children at the NO. Just a fact.

    Reply
    • Oh my, I am SO embarassed when my youngest two are loud at Mass. All parents are I think. I know it is a distraction to others. I try to take them out if it doesn’t cause more of a distraction ( and often it does). I’ve tried everything in the book. They aren’t bad. Just loud. But that is distracting…I know…and I’m SO embarassed!

      My husband being there helps at Sunday Mass but it’s hard at daily Mass. That’s why when I have gotten a comment from a priest, usher, or churchgoers (this has happened 4 times) I break down in tears. It’s not me being overly sensitive, it’s sadness that I distracted someone from the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. I KNOW my little guys were being loud and I did everything I could to remove or calm them down. I am SO SO embarassed and pray that nobody was as distracted as I was and that, perhaps, it wasn’t quite as loud as I imagined. However, when I get that negative comment, I just melt.

      As I mentioned, I’ve only recieved a handful of such comments (although I deserve a million) and usually receive encouraging comments from understanding parishioners. In fact, I receive encouraging comments at least once a day, especially during daily Mass. What a blessing it is!

      I don’t begrudge people for making disparaging remarks. They probably feel pretty bad after having done so. I think its a “heat of the moment” situation. For me, it’s not a matter of getting over the situation, it’s a matter of seeing God in said situation. God puts people in our lives so we can pray for them. Maybe God puts the people who have made rude comments about my children in my life because they need prayers. I try to pray for them everytime I think of them. (You know how sometimes certain people or situations pop into our mind? Doesn’t hurt to assume it’s from God and to pray for the person or situation. ) Also, perhaps my little guys are loud at Mass because my family needs a lot of prayers. So please, if I distract or annoy you, please pray for me!

      An additional note though- once my kids reach the age of 4 or 5 they are perfectly behaved at Mass. I think bringing children to mass regularly, even daily and even if they are loud, is so helpful and eventually they gain the self control and understanding to behave. I also think wiggly, loud babies are a product of genes. My husband is a loud, talkative person and so am I, so we get what we dished out to our parents ;). Calm and quiet parents seem to have quiet and calm children…sometimes. Anyhow, my personality is my cross, one of my many crosses, and I am embarassed to have handed down my less desirable traits to my little guys but my wiggly and loud kids really do help me grow in virtue. God gives us what we need to make it to Heaven. Still…pray for me. For real

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      • To Erica,

        I can’t find your comment, it only shows up on my email for some reason. Oh well.

        In response to your comment: “Oh my dear, don’t you think that you could put off attending daily Mass until your children reach the age of 4 or 5, maybe say an extra family rosary at home or sing some hymns? You sound pretty proud of being annoying not so much embarressed.”

        The funny thing about the old interweb is you can’t state your tone. I’m not proud of any annoyance I cause. Not at all. It humiliates me! I’m really sorry if I sounded proud. I was just trying to be an advocate for those parents with loud kiddos. I really am sorry if I sounded proud. Everything good belongs to God. There is nothing to be proud of, but God gives me what I need and I’ll accept it. Of course, I also have to teach them and dicipline them.

        I certainly could wait until they are 4 or 5 but, considering we are open to life and still young, I have a feeling that could be awhile until I have a brood all older than 4. I think it’s a blessing I am able to make it to Mass every day. I had prayed that God would grant me the organization to be able to do so before having kids. It’s only by the grace of God that I can make it every morning. This gift belongs to God. Mass and the Eucharist strengthens me and brings endless blessings on our family.

        Again, I really am not proud of any loud noises and really do everything in my power to quiet them. God bless all of you and may your words and actions be inspired by Christ

        Reply
  2. It takes a big person to revisit and revise. I pray all those on every side of this, think that way too. And look inwardly.

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  3. Well done, Steve. It takes truly ethical character to apologize where the need is perceived. I don’t think you were out of line, but for those who did, you show marvelous empathy.
    Enjoy the view on the high road! You’ve earned it.

    Reply
    • I don’t know that I would qualify this as an apology. The original is still up. I did apologize to the guy who wrote the first one for being so heavy handed right out of the gate. I don’t know him. I should probably have reached out first.

      Still, like I said, I stand by my thesis. But my delivery, inasmuch as it paralleled what had been written, called too much attention to the tone and not enough to the points being made. I could have written it in a way that made the same points but was less obnoxious (yes, in return for something that was obnoxious to begin with.)

      Some people, like you, got it. (And thanks for your comments on the original, by the way.) Many did not. And they are people who don’t necessarily come here, or are simply going to be turned off by everything they see in the future on this website, where we don’t usually write pieces like this.

      I think the other information we’re offering is important. I don’t want this to be the reason why people don’t come back. Nothing is gained, but something is lost.

      My goal here isn’t just to preach to the choir, but to reach people who haven’t considered the topics we covered. When I forget that and go off script, it’s counterproductive.

      Reply
  4. I saw a good deal of the flak as coming from troll-like individuals with an agenda to pigeon-hole the TLM and those who attend it. There was much too much hatin’ on the TLM.

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  5. A job well done at taking your inventory. I’ve come to realize that when I’m really getting into taking another’s I need to stop and look at my side of the street. If I’m examining my conscience it will always convict me. Bravo Zulu.

    BTW: I love hollandaise sauce!

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  6. Steve I think those that are offended…wanted to be offended and looked for insult. I read your article and found the humor, fraternal correction and tone to be straight forward and on point. While not a TLM’er I understood immediately the scope of the challenge presented to parents that you were trying to convey by the periods of silence in the Mass.

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    • Convert…really? I’ve seen this distinction more than a few times lately. Hopefully after we converts become truly Catholic you will save us a seat up front. Actually I am a Traditional Catholic and take exception to this sanctimonious distinction. However the article was perfectly on point.

      Reply
  7. I’m guessing octo-fightin’ Steve will be back soon enough… right after Bishop Barron delivers a eulogy of praise for St. Ziggy Stardust (who of course went to neo-cath heaven).

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  8. The problem was not what you wrote, but the typical oversensitive reactions of our day. Yet again, it’s all about how something “makes us feeeeeel.”

    Dude- it rocked. Enjoy a glass of wine! Prayers of thanksgiving that you have the courage to say what needs to be said so that the many of us who never got fed truth about human behavior or the Faith in the last 50 years can now read/hear it and work on our parenting with grace & dignity and our salvation with fear & trembling.

    Deo gratias!

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  9. Dear Brother in Christ, Steve:
    I am very impressed that you humbled yourself to apologize which manifests your desire to reach others with the gospel. St. Paul said ” I become all things to all men that I might win some for Christ”. I am confident that those who misunderstood your points ( and this happens more often when one get a bit snarky or talks symbolically when folks are clueless to your methods), will now see that your intentions were noble.

    Talking about Children making noise and disrupting the Holy Mass, or any the Divine Office prayed in Community etc…. can be taxing on all involved. When my children misbehaved my wife or I would take them into the Narthex an offer parental correction. But don’t you think there must be a balance ? We want people to have large families, that means lots of Children…should the parents keep their children home if they have large families? That in fact is the case with my Irish Catholic Mother in Law, she had eight Children and the priest told her to keep the kids home until they were old enough to behave properly at Mass. And she gladly listened to him…to the point of never going back to Church except for Baptisms, Funerals, Wedding, Confirmations etc…

    As a clergyman who himself had two sons with Autism, I felt lots of pressure that my kids should be little gentleman, which could never be. So my wife and I when to separate Liturgies for a long time. I am not sure if I did the right thing or not, but at the time I was trying to do just that, but it was a sacrifice not to be praying at the same Mass as my now deceased wife.

    The best pastoral response when possible is to have a crying room that is soundproof with glass wall in the front (or at lease a large glass window), and a speakers with the audio of the Mass/ or other Liturgical Service piped in. This way the parents are not punished from attending the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass because their Children are Crying.

    I believe each parish can come up with a charitable solution to such challenges.
    I know this is possible because I planted churches in my lifetime and faced these same situation. “Ubi Charistas, et amor Deus Ibi est

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    • Or just the opposite. I would love to have a room where the people who want Sacred Silence can have it. No chatting, not high-fiving, no texting. Just the silence that the same people enjoyed Pre-VII.

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      • I agree Netmilsmom. I’ve attended many TLM masses, and parents seem to instinctively know what to do with their children when they’re being disruptive. One can hear a pin drop during the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. This is a non-issue at TLM masses, as it was a non-issue before VII. (love the octopus, btw, Steve! 😉

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  10. whenever you write you put yourself at risk. the guy you intended to parody and confront was taking a risk and in turn, you took a risk in taking the literary approach you did. i can understand the temptation to say what is probably on everyone else’s mind–but they are too restrained to go ahead and just say it. but of course the internet is a place that tends to distance us from the humanity of the personas withwhich we converse, it is easy to regard internet personas as arch nemeses and feel like it is our civic duty to avenge their wrongness. i am sure we all have done it. it is also so easy to interpret everything as a personal attack (i know i did that because i l am a homeschooling stay at home dad in williamsburg brooklyn, i wear skinny jeans, my wife is into “urban homesteading” andwe posess a good sized collection of vintage vinyl albums i enjoy playing on my vintage record player. so i am all like HEY why do millenials get all the hate?) it takes courage to take risks in your writing and even more courage to go back to reframe adclarify.

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  11. The “letter” and ensuing comments and your response serves in ways all of us derived some benefit, some more than others. I think, no, KNOW you are helping those of us who need to learn and grow in the love of God.

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  12. Enough with the mea culpas Steve. You are right, the other guy wrong. The way you said what you said was inspired by an honest gut feeling. Be glad you went with it. Every so often we just have to get pissed off. After all, it is the human thing to do. And knowing we are human is what is called humility. Keep up your good work.

    Reply
    • I agree. Your job and your talent, Steve, is writing. For your writing to be as effective as possible, you may have to use a certain tone or certain rhetorical devices. Sometimes you have to imitate, sometime you have to parody, sometimes you have to smash one thing up against another so people can hear them ring. Having read Hipster’s letter, I saw what you did and thought your response hit the bull’s eye. That was good writing. Don’t apologize for it.

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      • Thank you. My own propensity for being a bit harsh being what it is, I decided to walk this back a bit, if only because I believe that what we do here needs to be heard by those who might not get it anywhere else, and sending them away upset doesn’t seem to facilitate that.

        I think I’ll forever be caught between feeling justified and wondering if I should have been more diplomatic, but c’est la vie. I’m leaving both pieces up as is, and people can take them or leave them.

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  13. I’m not sure why I am writing this comment…but this topic is really bugging me. This is truly my favorite blog. I financially support it when I can. I forward and repost almost everything. Your first response to hipster Dad and now this post really have surprised and disheartened me. I don’t think you did anything to help dispel the liberal straw man about Trads and certainly the responses in the com box made it worse You picked a fight with someone who is not your equal – I see now maybe it was just that this guy was getting a lot of attention and so was Aleteia and that is annoying. I don’t think anyone disagrees that a kid in a bad way needs to be carted out – I don’t even think hipster Dad was saying that everyone should put up with his bad kids – it was obvious to me that much of what he was describing was hyperbole. The focus was on the Christian woman who felt the need to say something. She was out of line but none of those who supported your post felt she was. That is quite disheartening. My husband and I as a goal in the new year were going to make the transition to the TLM even though there is not one close by. I am seriously rethinking that plan until my youngest is out of her fidget years and may be delayed further if we are blessed with another. I was appalled by the holier than thou comments about the plebes and slobs at the NO Mass that don’t know how to parent. And then the comments about don’t worry the Autistic kids can be dog trained to sit through it. Also I loved the comment ‘How much do you think the rest of us should have to put up with to accommodate your child’. Made me sick.

    Reply
    • “I don’t think anyone disagrees that a kid in a bad way needs to be carted out”

      So in other words there really IS a limit to what others should have to put up with in accommodating disruptive children.

      Also, the nasty comments from the NO side were no less prevalent than those from the TLM side. Sadly, there’s nasty everywhere. But if the Mass you choose to attend is limited by obnoxious com-box adherants to one form or the other, before long you’ll wind up sitting with the sinners at home rather than those in the pews.

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      • Was that response an attempt to dissuade me of my opinion or bolster it?

        My point about carting out was that this is a no brainer and where is this an epidemic problem in our Church. If most of the atta boy Steves think it is- I find that troubling. I think the unwelcoming of families is an epidemic problem.. There are too few screaming kids at Mass.

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        • You’ll find plenty of screaming children at most TLMs, and feel right at home. Just expect that you’ll have to spend some time at the back of the church. It’s your right as a Catholic to be there, but common decency informs us to try not to disturb our neighbors during Mass. It’s pretty simple. If, despite your best efforts, a “church-lady” type upbraids you (they do exist), think of this story Frank Sheed used to tell about Hillaire Belloc:

          Hilaire Belloc, who was worshipping at Westminster cathedral. As was the custom of his childhood, Belloc was kneeling when he was approached by a sacristan who whispered “excuse me, sir, but here we stand during the Mass”. To which Belloc replied “Go to hell!”. The sacristan’s response? “I’m so sorry, sir! I didn’t realize you were a Catholic!”

          Not that I necessarily recommend using Belloc’s exact phrase!

          Of course, this probably won’t help dispel your mistaken notions about “trads!” Really, we’re not the one-eyed monsters some people say we are. Are there trouble makers in our midst? Aren’t there everywhere? However, I do like to think that traditional Catholics are a little more forthright than our oversensitive politically correct milieu allows. It’s refreshing once you get used to it.

          By the way, Mr. Skojec: thanks for the articles. They gave me plenty to consider about my own parenting.

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        • My response was an attempt to demonstrate the absurdity of blacklisting an entire parish of people you’ve never met simply because you’ve made some nebulous association in your mind between them and commenters on the internet whom you don’t like; if that’s your standard you will quickly exclude yourself from every social setting imaginable.

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    • Excuse me, but I am the one who mentioned the training of autistic children that you are comparing to “dog training”. Do you even know anything about behavioral intervention methods in autistic children? No, probably not. But it is the most prevalent method of educating low-functioning autistic children, helping them learn how to behave in society and within families. Because what you might think is cute and understandable at 3 is suddenly not so cute and a serious problem when they are twelve and endangering their siblings. Many autistic children can have meltdowns when they encounter something which triggers a negative reaction. What you might see as a tantrum at 3 is a cause for a business owner to dial 911 and for police to pepper spray an adult autistic person. We teach them to respond to a negative encounter using their words or removing themselves from the situation or calming techniques. Or you have the lovely pharmaceutical option for parents who failed to use to guide their children’s behavior early on. I’ve seen that one play out, and it isn’t very pretty, given the side effects of anti-psychotic medications. All children learn through rewards and consequences, but having an autistic child means taking your game to a whole new level of awareness. And quite frankly, you are not playing at my level.
      So this mom of an awesome autie is going to tell you to watch your step when it comes to critiquing that about which you obviously have not a clue. The only thing that should make you sick is your poorly considered comment.

      Reply
  14. Which is the more significant event, The Holy Sacrifice of the Mass or the ballet/opera/Broadway play/philharmonic orchestra?

    Must be the cultural experience because you have to pay for it. That’s why all venues forbid young children to attend and after a certain age, if they make a nuisance of themselves, they and an adult get ejected.

    Culture is not a celebration of the audience, but of the talent of the artistic community involved. Therefore, none of the audience is permitted to interrupt the celebration. Turning “To be, or not to be…” into a duet does not improve the experience for anyone.

    Hipster dad is so badly catechised it makes one weep. He’s been told Mass is a celebration of community and that community contains noisy, snotty kids, who should be free to express themselves. Mass is more like a pantomime, where joining in is de rigeur.

    My nearest TLM sounds like a crèche and I stopped going because the parents say more or less the same thing – be glad there are so many children. I have mentioned that Jesus didn’t say, “Suffer the little children…” from the cross, but even the TLMers don’t see why that’s relevant.

    I strongly suspect the freemasons put the handshake into Mass as a blasphemy, which is why I will never do it. That and the snot.

    Reply
  15. As a parent I very much appreciated that piece. It gave me a renewed sense of purpose and vigor in doing…well what you describe we parents ought to do when our milk-to-poop machine decides to have a screaming fit during the homily. I’m never really sure what the best course of action is (like every parent, presumably?) and I sometimes wonder if by getting up and leaving the pew I’m somehow teaching little Johnny (not her/his real name) that it is okay to leave in the middle of Mass to have a screaming fit. And then also I very much used to enjoy having screaming children attend Mass, when they weren’t mine: hearing the sound always brought a smile to my face and helped me re-focus on the liturgy instead of whatever I had probably been daydreaming about. Then again I’m the sort of person who enjoys listening to Christian metalcore while they write…it helps me focus.
    All the same I’m very conscious of how my actions and my children’s actions are affecting those around me in the Mass. Sometimes of course I’m actively trying to politely and quietly stir things up: most Catholics are emotionless, lifeless husks completely devoid of any real sense of worship – quite obviously most people think they are just eating a cracker and sniffing some wine. (Intellectually we may all say we believe in the Real Presence but, really? The way most people receive is not how normal people behave when consuming the flesh of the Eternal God.) However I never want to be the cause of distraction. The scowls I actually don’t care about because “You try on my shoes you sanctimonious unkind word,” but the people who say they don’t mind bother me because oh no they noticed the distraction I’m so sorry.
    Thus is was very comforting to read your letter, which put all of this in perspective for me. You didn’t say anything I didn’t already know, but reminded me: this is a teachable moment. Every time I make a clumsy dash to the cry room is an opportunity not to bring my family away from the Mass but to teach them to be more present in the liturgy, to respect our fellow parishioners, and to have a greater closeness to Jesus. It’s not a tactical retreat, it’s an advance on an alternate objective. Your letter reminded me that my real goal is for my family to get to heaven, and I pray everyone else’s family does as well. You reminded me that even though I might not always be able to keep my infant from crying during the Mass, if I let Him the Lord can use even that to bring us closer to Him.
    Amen Brother.

    Reply
  16. This is a bit off topic, but I recently came across the late Stephen Masty’s essay about “Cultural Dragons” and couldn’t help making the connection between this topic and their defense of propriety and decorum and ultimately, Civilization itself. I thought perhaps this whole controversy could have been obviated had we a few more like Betsy Trotwood or Mrs. Gash. We certainly wouldn’t have so much nonsense going on in the pews or so many wilting flowers making excuses for it.
    http://www.theimaginativeconservative.org/2013/03/in-praise-of-cultural-dragons.

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  17. “Not in snark” is part of my modern Romans 13:13. Some wield it effectively, but it never feels like the most perfectly Christian response we could’ve come up with. I liked your original article and I think it is all true and fair. But I think you’re right to self-examine and question whether we’re called to something higher — as entertaining as it was. I too indulged in making fun of the gentleman who wrote the original article, and at that moment I think I was not making progress toward Heaven. Let’s all pray for each other as we continue to struggle through this vale of tears.

    Reply
    • You express well my own feelings. It seems like the right reaction, but then you try to imagine your favorite saint doing it. Then you chastise yourself for being unduly sanctimonious, then you still keep thinking about what it might be like to actually be holy.

      Rinse. Repeat.

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  18. I didn’t like the tone of that blog post and it seemed out of character to what I usually read here. Granted, I didn’t read the original hipster post — a mom only has so much time in a day! That having been said, this is a very humble, self-effacing post. This is what Christianity looks like.

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  19. Rock on, brother. Your first article was absolutely spot on, as was this one. Your summary at the top of this article is fantastic. As a Catholic, I’m absolutely sick and tired of this new “catholic” notion that letting children run wild is somehow respecting and loving them more. The Bible is a whole, so using Mark 10 without remembering Proverbs, (13:24 comes to mind), is self-serving and dishonest. The reality is, the author threw an old lady under the bus to defend his lack of parenting. To love your children is to teach them the faith, and to discipline them so that they won’t grow up to be self-serving hipster dads. Keep your chin up and know that there are people out there who appreciate the fact that you stood up and spoke the truth, and who appreciate sarcasm.
    God bless you, brother. I’m in DC, but I’m moving to Philly before I get married this summer. Otherwise, I’d ask you one simple question: can we be friends?

    Reply
  20. I am really sorry you took the article down. I had been sharing it pretty widely, with the comment that children should learn to be reverent at Mass as early as possible.

    Reply
      • I just tried it again, and got an error message. The reason I thought you had taken it down was that I posted it in a Facebook discussion on the subject, and someone else said you had taken it down, and provided this link. Whatever is going on, the article is not accessible from the blog page.

        Reply
  21. So it’s the case that you can claim that others are merely ‘bigoted’ against lovers of TLM…but your own reference to “hipster” dad was well just being what? As if using that term meant that you didn’t have to do the work of real writing. You could just let derogatory labels do most of the writing for you.

    Last visit here. The pride just is too thick, and the prickliness too energetic.

    Reply
  22. Simple solution: attend an Ordinary form parish that has lots of families with children until your kids are older. The TLM will still be waiting for you when you are middle-aged, if you still want it.

    Don’t absent yourself from the Mass, though. You and the kids need it. It’s a matter of (eternal) life and death. Misguided efforts aimed at a false charity aren’t worth going to Hell for.

    Reply
  23. Steve, I also agree that this was “on point.” Thank you for being a true breath of fresh air in a culture that is so infiltrated with smog! As a mom of 4, I loved all that you said and appreciated it. And yes, reaching out first is probably the best thing for all of us to do, but I do understand and am grateful for such an honest approach.

    We started a family blog recently where my kids are making Catholic video clips to teach lessons and just provide a wholesome alternative to popular Youtube videos out there. Interestingly, our most popular one has been “How Not To Act At Mass.” The teens and tweens did it and it is so funny, but it really does teach a great lesson on how to be polite and try not to distract at Mass. Just making it has actually helped my youngest behave better. Its popularity has caused me to dwell on the subject matter and has really provided a lot of food for thought. So many of us struggle with best Mass behavior…perhaps that is why we can all relate well to this video clip and your article! (You can see the video on http://www.catholicconundrum.com/kid-korner.html. Just scroll down for this particular clip.)

    Thanks again,Steve, for being who you are and for doing what you do!! And I hope that others will continue to respond…you are starting awesome and relevant discussion!

    Christina

    Reply
  24. Most of us really are trying our hardest. I go to the Latin Mass twice a month when my parish offers it. My mother, who experienced the Mass pre V2 until the age of 9, used to tell me that the voices of children were echoed throughout the church and it was accepted. (And people had very large families back then so imagine the crys and fussing!)

    I think when parents are already embarassed and frustrated, pointing out the behavior is not helpful. It makes us really sad. These type of comments and judgements to parents who are trying (gosh…we really are!) contribute to families not being as open to life as they might be. And it’s so sad coming from a traditionalist site. I was upset when I read what the Pope said in an interview recently about the rigidity of many who prefer that Mass but some of you guys make me understand why he said that.

    We all have the same goal and that goal is Sainthood. If God gives me toddlers that act like, well, toddlers then I will use that cross to climb to Heaven. I will try my darndest to control the noise and not cause a distraction. Don’t assume parents aren’t trying..mt hey know the kid the best. Maybe the kid will scream louder if they bring him out. Who knows. Give them the benefit of the doubt. And encourage them. Help them. Ignore them. See Christ in them. But love them. Christ carried your annoyance on the cross as well as their embarassment.

    Reply

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